Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
