i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
