Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
