I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
