If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
tell your sister to shave her snatch
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
