Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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