you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
