if only i could text you this smell
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
