Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Just pee around me
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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