so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
