She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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