You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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