Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
