He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
