Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
