I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Randomize
