is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
