so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
He passed out mid-signature
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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