You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
