dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
