Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
