She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
