I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
