OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
