He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
