remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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