ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
