I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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