After last night, I could never be a politician.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
i know! what is this dateline?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
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I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
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Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.