Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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