I think scott just propositioned me for sex
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
