Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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