You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
What a dumb baby whore.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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