I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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