Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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