so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
