Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
