I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
its liver damage thursday
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
