things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
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I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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