I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
