Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
