9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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