dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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