my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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