My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
