This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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