Michael Bay diarrhea
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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