can u get pink eye on your cock?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
