How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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