Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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