Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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