You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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