We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Randomize
