I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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