So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
