i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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